SomethingAwful.com's Review of Princess Maker 2--MSTed
MSTing by Regina Moonbrooke
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This takes place _during_ the series, not after it. During the first season or early second, probably.
"Grenda, how come every time you get mad in Magic Class, _this_ kind of thing happens?" grumbled Yuushi, as she tried to scrub a particularly stubborn black stain off the floor.
"Hey, it's not MY fault that the miniature dragon I summoned got out of control!" sniffed Grenda, who was making Gaga do her share of the cleaning-up work, while the teacher's back was turned. "It's a very delicate and precise spell, and it WOULD have gone just FINE if SOMEbody hadn't distracted me!"
"I couldn't help it! I _had_ to sneeze!" countered Yuushi.
"Little brat. If you were a _real_ woman, like me, you would have better self-control."
Yuushi raised her mop like a quarterstaff, as if to strike the Demon Princess, but before things could escalate any further Kokoru stepped between them and said, "Please, don't fight again. It's bad enough we have to stay after school and clean all this up; don't make _another_ mess!"
"Oh, you and Erumina didn't have to stay after and help us, too!" said Yuushi. "This is our mess; you should go to the job board while there's still something left."
"Oh, no," said Erumina, as she looked up from where she was very carefully putting together the myriad pieces of the teacher's favourite vase, which Grenda's dragon had crashed right into. "I have nothing better to do at the moment anyway, and besides, only the Princess of Heaven could do such a precise task as this." Grenda made a face as if to mock her in the background; Erumina steadfastly ignored it.
Finally, the task was done, and the four girls rushed outside to the job board...only to discover that there was nothing there at all. "WHAT?!" shrieked Yuushi in dismay. "Not even ONE...? There's usually _one_ left..."
As the girls stood there, disappointed, a small dark-skinned boy with pointed ears rushed over to them. "Miss! MISS!" he yelled, waving to get Yuushi's attention.
She turned around at the sound of her name. "What is it, Cube?"
Cube, who obviously had been running for some distance, stopped for a moment to catch his breath, putting his hands on his knees to hold himself up. "I have...a message...from the Principal. She says...she wants all four of you...to come to her office immediately."
"Maybe it's another special quest?" guessed Kokoru.
"We will not discover the truth by standing around here." said Erumina, and the four girls headed off across the quadrangle to the building containing the Principal's office, Cube following them.
"Hey, why are _you_ coming along, traitor?!" snapped Grenda, when she noticed this.
Cube had had a bad day, and he wasn't in the mood for her insults. "I was _kicked out_, remember, I didn't CHOOSE to leave! Anyway, Erisel-sama said I was to come along as well."
"Must not be a very important job then," sniffed Grenda.
"Ah, so glad to see you all here," said Queen Erisel, who was also the Principal of the Princess Academy in her spare time. "I have a...rather unusual job for you..."
"What is it, Principal?" asked Yuushi, brimming with curiosity.
"It's, er, well, I'm not quite sure how to describe it..." began the auburn-haired woman, nervously, "but the other day, when I was trying to make a gateway to Heaven so you could go after the Crystal Flower there, I accidentally made some gates into some _other_ dimensions instead, first...and I heard about this idea. It sounds like something that could definitely strengthen a person's heart..."
"Spill it already!" snarled Grenda.
"Well, er, in this other world, it seems that people are sometimes made to watch or read things that are quite badly-written and/or offensive, and they have to watch the whole thing, no matter what."
"Like a play where all the actors keep forgetting their lines and the costumes don't even remotely resemble what they're supposed to be?" asked Erumina.
"Yes, that kind of thing," agreed the Queen. "And, traditionally, the people watching the bad thing make sarcastic comments about it. It helps them keep from going insane, you see."
"We're going to watch a bad play, then?" asked Kokoru.
"Not quite...but I've found something REALLY offensive." said the Queen. "Er, in fact, I'm not sure if the language in this thing is appropriate for you young ladies. But since you are in reality 17 going on 18..."
"Ah, mere words are nothing for the Princess of Hell!" boasted Grenda, sticking her nose in the air. "This should be easier than anything!"
The other four just exchanged glances with each other, not saying anything.
"It works better with groups of at least 3 people, and the more the merrier--up to a point." Erisel went on. "Which is why I asked Cube to join the four of you."
"Why can't Gaga watch this bad thing _for_ me, hmm?" asked Grenda, sulking.
"Because you wouldn't strengthen your heart at all if he did." said Erumina.
"I asked Cube because he noticed all the jobs were gone and came to me, asking for some special task for the four of you; none of your other servants were here at the time." said Erisel. "Are you five ready?"
"READY!" they said, all together again.
"Good. Then step into this room, and we can begin."
There was a dizzing sensation, almost as if of falling, and the five found themselves in a dark room. It was filled with plush seats, and lit only by tiny lights built into the floor. Then, suddenly, one entire wall lit up. By its light, the five sat down in seats near each other, in the front row. But instead of pictures, words began to scroll across the glowing wall.
>CNN
Fark
Portal of Evil
Shack News
CUBE: AAAA! They're afiliated with Portal of Evil! I _already_ have a bad feeling about this...
GRENDA: Hey, wait, how dare they say they have anything to do with the gateway to my home, the Underworld!
CUBE: Not _that_ portal, Grenda-sama...Portal of Evil is the name of a very nasty, sick, mean-spirited and desperately life-needing website.
ERUMINA: Wait, how do you know about that? We don't have the Internet on our world.
YUUSHI: (patting her on the shoulder) It's just a MST, Erumina. You should really just relax.
>Something Awful > Hentai Game Reviews
11.13.03: Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons - Princess Maker 2
YUUSHI: HEY! Princess Maker 2 is _not_ a hentai game! It's more adult than many American-audience games, yes, but it's not actually _porn_...!
KOKORU: The review is at a site _called_ "Something Awful"? Oh, dear...I predict pain...
At a Glance: After years of drought for fans of magical daughter-raising simulations the wait is finally over! Well, okay, the wait was over almost a decade ago when this game originally came out. But, the wait is still over because once fans of the genre finally get something as fundamentally bizarre as a magical daughter-raising simulator their brains and penises simultaneously exploded.
EVERYONE: EEEWWW!
CUBE: (covers Yuushi's eyes) Mistress, I don't think something with this kind of language and content is quite appropriate for you.
YUUSHI: (pushes herself away) I'm actually 17, remember?
Ah Japan, I don't know what I would do without your new and creepy twists on child molestation and incest! Maybe lead a normal and well-adjusted life, but hey, I'll never fucking know anything about that.
GRENDA: No. You won't. Because you don't HAVE a life. Normal and well-adjusted or otherwise!
ERUMINA: That was a little harsh, Grenda.
GRENDA: (stands up and points at the screen) Well HE started it!
CUBE: As for the "child molestation and incest", the scene where Young Mistress is _starting_ to get molested only happens if you happen to play very badly and are stupid enough to go out into the wilderness without any weapons or armour, AND manage to deliberately find your way into a closed-off area through a secret passage...so it's unlikely, it doesn't happen in _every_ game. Plus, _I_--or rather, that is, my alter-ego--show up to rescue the Mistress long before anything really bad has a chance to happen!
Language: English.
Sexual Content: Underage topless quasi-incest porn.
KOKORU: Oh, dear. Is it really _that_ bad?
GRENDA: (derisively) Pff. I doubt it.
Peter From Jast USA Says: Pending.
YUUSHI: Good for Peter, whoever the heck he is.
This is your daughter in her "summer dress".
YUUSHI: (dramatic commercial announcer voice) THIS is your daughter on drugs. Any questions?
KOKORU: There was a picture here in the original review; you just can't see it in this text version.
GRENDA: It's also interesting to note that if you look carefully at the screenshots, the girl's name is "Gertrude Bonecrusher". This is significant because ANOTHER somewhat unsavoury (though not as bad as this one) review of this game, on another site, had screenshots with a girl named "Gertrude Bonecrusher". So not only is this reviewer a foul-mouthed sleaze...he also takes pictures from other websites and claims they're his!
ERUMINA: And (squinting at the extremely blurry picture) doesn't even bother to sharpen them after resizing, either.
Game Concept: The title alone of "Princess Maker 2" is disturbing because it implies that there was a Princess Maker 1 and it was successful enough to merit a sequel. Don't even get me started on the fact that somewhere out there in a land of wind, ghosts, and penis-shaped giant clits there is a Princess Maker 3.
EVERYONE: EEEEEWWWWWWW!!!
CUBE: Mistress, I mean it! Go home now and help the Master make dinner. You can do another part-time job later, it's not _essential_ you do this one.
GRENDA: (musing) _How_ can a female organ be shaped like a male one, anyway....?
EVERYONE ELSE: GRENDA!!
GRENDA: Well, hey, I was just wondering...
KOKORU: Do you think we should tell this guy about Princess Maker: Legend of Another World, Princess Maker 4, Pocket Daisakusen, Go! Go! Princess, and our own anime series?
YUUSHI: Not on your life.
For the rest of us subsisting on nearly decade old quasi-hentai games about raising daughters we will just have to make do with Princess Maker 2 for the time being.
The story of Princess Maker 2 is told in a halting and almost stunningly dull introduction. It takes about half of a fucking hour to read about your character being a great warrior and friend of the king who finds some magical girl floating down from the sky. To be quite honest, I could not stand to read it all. It was like being slapped in the brain repeatedly by a cackling stereotypical Chinese man, if only because Chinese stereotypes are much more clearly and hilariously realized in my mind than Japanese.
KOKORU: (totally confused) I fail to see how a dramatic story about how a kingdom fell into depravity, was almost destroyed by demons, and then was miraculously saved at the last moment could possibly be ANYthing like being slapped in the brain by any kind of stereotyped person...
YUUSHI: Don't try to figure this guy out, Kokoru, you'll just hurt yourself.
GRENDA: And obviously, he doesn't know about the "F3" thing...
Once you labor past the setup for one long punch line at your expense you get to dive head first into a dizzying array of menus and options.
Princess Maker 2 is basically a perverse sports management simulation where your entire team consists of a single ten year old girl that you have to raise to adulthood. Much like any decent sports manager game you have to keep track of a nearly overwhelming number of statistics that fluctuate based on training. In Princess Maker 2 these run the gamut from the mundane like "strength" and "charisma", to the droll like "cooking" and "conversation", to the bizarre like "sin" and "temper". Initially the game only forces you to grapple with about ten of these attributes, but as things progress and your lovely daughter grows into a young woman you face an ever growing list of wacky new attributes that need raisin' quicker than an Amish barn.
CUBE: I could do without the attitude, but what he's saying here about the game is more or less correct, yes.
You go about improving your daughter's skills and attributes by enrolling her in school, having her work at various jobs, or exploring a really awful RPG like environment. Pretty much everything you do raises one or two attributes while lowering one or two attributes so the game becomes a tedious balancing act of cycling through various activities to make sure your little girl advances across the board.
ERUMINA: I'm so sorry that this game presents too much of a..._challenge_ for you. We shall just have to find you some preschool-age games to play instead.
GRENDA: (raises an eyebrow) Impressive, for the Princess of Heaven...we just might make a good insulter out of you yet!
All of this is weighed against a hideous attribute called "stress" that will be your enemy. Just about everything you do in the game increases your daughter's stress. When her stress reaches a certain level she revolts and gets sassy, forcing you to discipline her by locking her in her room and watching her attributes regress towards infancy.
YUUSHI: What? There isn't any "lock her in her room" option! This guy is totally clueless!
KOKORU: Let's see, what options for rest are there...there's..go to town normally, vacation, go to town supervised when she's being bad...
CUBE: And _I_ have to supervise her on top of all my other duties, (grumble grumble)...
KOKORU: (still counting them off, on her fingers) Rest, when she's sick, and also the Sanitorium, when she's sick. And then there's when she just flat out runs off on you.
GRENDA: Six different "rest" options...but NONE of them involve actually trapping her in any way! Heck, if she's delinquent _and_ sick at the same time, I've seen her somehow go downtown to buy herself an expensive new dress even when she was supposedly at death's door! You can't _keep_ this girl indoors if she doesn't want to be kept!
If you really don't care you can work your daughter to death and the game does everything to try to bum you out about how mean you're being to her.
CUBE: (angrily) With good reason, you...you......you!
Of the three methods for improving your daughter the most beneficial overall is school. There are a wide variety of classes ranging from magic and combat classes to science, dancing, and poetry. None of these jack the stress up too bad and those that reduce attributes reduce them at a much lower rate than they're increasing another. The downside is that your daughter is blowing massive amounts of cash on the education, which means you'll need to put her to work in the salt mines (read: graveyard) to earn her keep.
YUUSHI: Or the farm...
KOKORU: Or the day care...
CUBE: Or the inn...
GRENDA: Or the bar...
ERUMINA: Or the church...
YUUSHI: And many others!
The jobs stress poor fragile baby out a lot, and if she sucks at a particular job it will take about a thousand attempts before she actually makes any money. Usually by the time you've scraped together enough cash to get her into another class she's so fucking stressed out of her gigantic gourd that you have to drop all the money on cake to calm her shit down.
"OH GOD I'M FREAKING OUT I HATE MY JOB!"
"Ooooh, a whole cake, I feel better now and I only gained 2.2 pounds."
GRENDA: (rolls her eyes) Again, we could do without the language, but yes, I always did find it kind of odd that a cake alone can make you forget _weeks_ worth of stress...and that it instantly adds weight right then and there, rather than a _constant_ diet of fattening food over a long period of time _gradually_ adding weight...
YUUSHI: (shrugs) Hey. It's a _game_. Things _have_ to happen right away and in a concrete, instantly visible manner, or else you can't move on and keep playing.
Wha' happened? I can't do my worrrk!
ERUMINA: Another stolen screenshot here, folks. And if I remember it correctly, it actually showed "Gertrude" working just fine! Meaning he not only steals pictures, but doesn't pay a heck of a lot of attention as to how well they match what he's _saying_...
Princess Maker 2 manages to simultaneously be the least disturbing and most disturbing hentai game.
EVERYONE: IT'S _NOT_ A HENTAI GAME!!
Everything within it is reassuringly normal on the surface, but all the same everything seems to have a caveat. You can purchase lovely cotton dresses for your daughter or you can fight with her weight trying to pour her pasty ass into a leather dominatrix outfit. AT AGE THIRTEEN.
YUUSHI: What?! That's not true! Our riffing author once tried putting her in the leather dress at age 13, just to see if it was true...and Cube wouldn't let her! He said something about "Mistress, I don't think you should wear clothes like that until you're older."
CUBE: As well I--er, he--_should_ say that! Man, this double-me thing is getting bloody confusing...especially when you consider that the other version of me has completely different eyes, different skin colour, wings...(whining) _I_ want wiiiinnnngggsss...! (folds his arms across his chest and pouts)
No bitch, I don't care how stressed out you are from ghostbusting in the graveyard, you're laying off the cake and you're on a diet until I can cram your ass into the "spikey dress" that lowers your "morals" rating.
GRENDA: Er, the "spiky dress" and the "leather dress" are two different ones and you can't wear them both at the same age...also, what the heck is your weird obsession with the graveyard job?!
On top of all of the statistics in the game you have to carefully monitor what your daughter eats lest she balloon up to the obese weight of 125 pounds and doom you from ever cramming her into anything more risque' than a priest's cassock.
KOKORU: But 125 pounds isn't _that_ heavy...if you're the right height, anyway.
ERUMINA: And "priest's cassock" is not an outfit you can buy in the game, incidentally.
YUUSHI: I'd buy it. After all, what if you're trying to raise her to be an Archbishop?
Even though it calms her down, you will deprive her of fucking fish because it adds a quarter of a pound to her weight.
GRENDA: (thoughtfully) Even if she _could_ make love to a fish, how would that add to her...?
EVERYONE ELSE: GRENDA!!
CUBE: We better stop this, guys, before Grenda becomes our group's "CROW!!"
Besides, locking her in her room for a month straight is a lot cheaper than buying 500 dollar fish dinners and it's definitely a lot easier on the waistline.
YUUSHI: (A) the fish dinners don't cost that much, and (b) you CAN'T lock her in her room, as we said earlier! Did you even play the same _game_ as the rest of us?!
Speaking of waistlines, your daughter's waist isn't the only important measurement. For no apparent reason you can force feed your daughter breast-enlargement pills. They don't actually change the way she looks
GRENDA: Actually they do, but only slightly.
but if you want to jack your dick raw
EVERYONE: EEEWWWWWW!!
CUBE: Mistress, I _mean_ it! I must insist! You are leaving this theater THIS INSTANT, and tell the Queen to give you a more appropriate job next time!
YUUSHI: But I--
CUBE: NOT another word! (He pulls out his "Come to the Other" transportation hoop and waves it over Yuushi's head). Gunberd's house.
(YUUSHI disappears.)
GRENDA: (looking sideways at Cube, with an expression halfway between disgust and admiration) Wow, I'm glad Gaga doesn't treat _me_ like that...
looking at the number representing her tits go up then have at it Pedro.
ERUMINA: Pedro? Who is Pedro and what does he have to do with a girl's measurements?
Unfortunately, though the game includes a hips measurement there are no over-the-counter "ass pills" anywhere in the kingdom.
GRENDA: Oh, boo hoo. Cry me a river, sonny!
One area which I will grudgingly give the game credit in is distracting you from the tedium of the endless grind of education and work for your daughter by introducing about a dozen tedious and endless mini-games. Most of these mini-games take place during the annual harvest festival, and believe me when I say that they're "mini" but using the word "game" is being extremely generous. For example, the dance contest at the harvest festival involves you watching every single other girl in the entire kingdom dance before seeing your own daughter do her routine. You don't even push a button throughout all this. You just sit back and hope that the thirty cakes, twenty tit pills, and two years of dance classes finally pay off.
KOKORU: Um, actually, you can't get twenty of those pills in one game without cheating...and they add nothing to your Charisma or Art scores, which is what you need to do well in the dance party...
ERUMINA: Also, one of the contests _is_ actually playable--the combat tournament.
GRENDA: And again, he doesn't know about the F3 thing.
Action in the game is generally presented in one of two ways. If it's a conversation it is conveyed via traditional RPG-style text boxes with a downright pathetic looking portrait of the character blabbering pointlessly next to their text.
CUBE: "Pointlessly", only if you care nothing about the plot of the game, how well things are going, or character development!
ERUMINA: It is plain that the person writing this review cares far more about looking at female flesh than he does about actually trying to use his brain.
GRENDA: In other words, he wasn't _in_ this game for the plot.
CUBE: Er, yeah. You have a point.
Very rarely you can effect the outcome of a conversation. The other type of action is what I like to call "sprite theater". The dance contest, the class rooms, the jobs; they all take place in a little 300 pixel wide box that pops up. Inside the box, characters wander around on a 5-second looping schedule with all of the photorealism of a Livejournal animated GIF festival. This would be tolerable if you could skip it. Instead you have to sit there and watch three or four minutes of tiny, low resolution, looping animation whenever your daughter goes to work or class. The dance contest is definitely the longest and most insulting of all of these.
GRENDA: (about to explode) DUDE! First you call special attention to the fact that the game is "almost a decade old", and then you keep going on about the graphics being bad. Well DUH, honey! What, did you somehow expect Playstation 2 graphics out of an _old_ game? GET REAL!
ERUMINA: (holding onto one of Grenda's arms while Cube holds onto the other) Do you have anything that could calm her down a little?
CUBE: I'm a butler, not a drive-through pharmacy!
If you're particularly masochistic you can explore the small RPG portions of the game in search of fame and fortune. These are wholly inept with about two frames of animation for walking, none for combat, and a menagerie of monsters that makes the color-coded rainbow coalition of the original Diablo look like a photobook by the Darwin Society.
KOKORU: I don't know, whenever _I_ went adventuring, I was paying much more attention to whether I could reach something interesting or valuable before the monsters got me, not the graphics...
ERUMINA: And graphics aren't everything, either.
We meet again mantis creature! I see you still have not learned from your mistakes! I also see one use of "magic" will kill you with no explanation other than text telling me how much damage you suffered.
GRENDA: As the most expert person in the use of magic here, I can confidently tell you that a fireball spell (which is the type used in the game) to the face, properly applied, would hurt just about ANYthing!
Occasionally you will face townsfolk in a combat version of the "sprite theater" that is every bit as clumsy and laughable as it sounds. Think old Final Fantasy style with only two options ("magic" or "attack"), no strategy, no risk (you can't die in these fights), and absolutely no fun.
GRENDA: It is _so_ fun! You can raise your reputation in these fights, plus you get to see what the enemy says when they're humliated and lying on the ground, and see your daughter laugh at them! BWAhaha!
In addition to the disturbing cheesecake factor of the limited number of bondage costumes you can put your daughter in there's also the heartwarming fact that as she ages you can also get her involved in increasingly suspect job opportunities. The two main shady jobs for her are as a "fun times girl" at a sleazy bar and as a waitress at a cabaret club.
CUBE: She doesn't actually _do_ anything sleazy at the sleazy bar, it's not like it's a House of Ill Repute or anything. She just basically talks to the male customers flirtatiously. Mind you, I still don't approve of such a job for the young mistress, but...it's not as bad as this guy makes it out to be.
Even more disturbing are the rare special events that allow you to rent your daughter out to a rich man as a prostitute,
ERUMINA: Which the game strongly _discourages_ you from doing, and which she should automatically say "no" to anyway if you've been paying attention to her morals at all.
repeatedly whore her to supernatural creatures,
KOKORU: What?! The heck? THAT never happens!
or arrange a marriage to a dragon or demon.
KOKORU: Hey, the Dragon Youth is a nice kid! Okay, a bit clueless, but sweet.
CUBE: (huffily) And if he's talking about ME with that "marriage to a demon" thing, then he is obviously a bigot! There's nothing objectionable about me at all! I'm a sweet guy and I'll even help out with the dishes!
GRENDA: And if by "marriage to a demon" he means Lucifon, then hey, he's the _Prince_ of the Underworld; how much more class do you want?
ERUMINA: And you have to quite deliberately turn your daughter _very_ evil before that last option even starts to be a possibility, anyway.
None of the sex is graphic at all and the only nudity in the game is a tiny bit of bare breasts that you really have to dig to find. HOWEVER! This is appalling because you can see said breasts when she is identified onscreen, simultaneously no less, as being well under 18. Let's all just pretend I'm really fucking drunk and that this game somehow qualifies as "art" so that I can live out my life having never stared at child pornography.
GRENDA: Pff. If you're talking about that aforementioned "molestation scene", that can be done at age 17 if you like, provided you keep the daughter's fighting AND magic skills completely in the toilet the whole game.
Difficulty: It took me over 6 hours to play through this game. If I live to be 80 - and that's really being generous with my lifespan -
CUBE: (under his breath) Especially if _we_ ever meet you...
I will enjoy 700,800 hours of fresh air and beating heart. Thanks to this game I can now revise that number to under 700,794 and that is fucking inexcusable. You may be wondering what throwing my life away for cheap laughs has to do with the difficulty of Princess Maker 2. To answer your unasked question; everything. The game is purely a test of endurance. The game challenges you by asking "do you have what it takes to
GRENDA: --win the Pan-Galactic Disco-Dancing Competition?
watch GIFs twitch around for 6 hours?" and entices you with the dangled carrot of pseudo-incest soft core underage pornography. Bring out that steam shovel Princess Maker 2! If that's my reward I will beat it to the other side of the mountain with just a spade and a pickaxe!
ERUMINA: (starting to get mad) Or, you could play the game for the fact that it's a CHALLENGE and actually try to do WELL and get her GOOD SKILLS and a RESPECTABLE JOB!! You COULD actually try to make her HAPPY! (she unfolds her wings and starts to charge towards the screen)
KOKORU: I'd try to stop her, but I'm a bit afraid to...
CUBE: And _I_ don't _want_ to.
Defining Moment: After I slaved away forcing my daughter to scare away monsters in the graveyard I had scrimped together enough cash to buy her the dominatrix costume.
CUBE: And again, why didn't you have her do a more beneficial job, like farming, masonry or tutoring?
Unfortunately, because of the grueling work of shuffling around slightly in tiny GIF form my daughter had been emotionally traumatized repeatedly. To quiet her complaints it had been necessary to lock her in her room for months and feed her cakes and fish. This resulted in the dreaded weight gain. This meant that she had packed the pounds in until she was a bloated, corpulent, 126 pounds of lard and could no longer fit into her extremely expensive S&M gear. The crash diet that followed claimed my poor daughter's life.
KOKORU: You monster! How could you let her become that hurt and sick without _noticing_ how bad things were getting, at any point?!
CUBE: And I'm sure _I_--er, the other me--probably put her on a more robust diet many times, but kept having his orders changed...
GRENDA: If you ignore all the warning signs and the advice people give you, you _deserve_ to lose the game!
Baby, why do you make daddy hurt you like that?! You know I'm sorry, but why you got to be like that? Now you can have all the cakes you want in heaven!!
ERUMINA: Oh, yeah, right, _now_ he cares about her. But if you're serious about that "heaven" thing, the door at my house will always be open--to Gertrude.
YOU, however...
KOKORU: (shaking her head) Amazing...in a game with no fewer than SEVENTY-FOUR different endings, he somehow managed to _miss_ every...single...one!
Final Thoughts: If you don't have a copy of this game to torture yourself with, but for some reason you find yourself craving Princess Maker 2, then might a suggest a precisely identical experience.
GRENDA: Download the game with KaZaa Lite.
KOKORU: Grenda! Do you want us to get sued or something? Ssssshhh!
GRENDA: We're already copyrighted characters from an anime based off of a copyrighted game series who are making fun of a review without the original author's permission; how much worse could it get?
Find a patch of poison ivy, strip naked, and roll around in it until you actually feel the rash forming. When you're good and itchy start scratching. No calamine or anything similar, just tear bloody runnels in your flesh with your ragged fingernails while you stare at pictures of congenital birth defects in a medical text book.
CUBE: (shuddering) OUCH! No, thanks, I'll let _you_ do that to yourself...
Princess Maker 2 is a horrible, horrible, horrible game,
ERUMINA: Your OPINION, not fact.
but it's also fairly addictive in much the same way as scratching a hideous flesh-destroying rash is. And harlequin fetus is about as attractive as your freak-headed sorta-daughter topless at age 14.
GRENDA: I don't know what a "harlequin fetus" is, and I don't _want_ to know.
Graphics: - 10
Gameplay: - 5
Story: - 5
Sexual Deviance: - 7
Fun: - 8
Overall: - 35
Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).
Do you have a Hentai / Anime question? Feel free to head on over and post it in the SA Anime Forums!
CUBE: They have a whole _section_ about porn? This is definitely not an appropriate place for Miss Yuushi.
KOKORU: Speaking of which...I hope she got home all right...
(The screen goes dark, and after a moment normal lights come on for the first time. The door opens, and the three girls and one boy walk out of the theater. As they do so, Erumina, Kokoru, and Grenda's pendants all light up for a moment, brightly.)
Meanwhile, at Gunberd's house in the village...
YUUSHI: (sitting on top of the roof) Hello? Hello? Cube, this isn't funny, get me down from here! (wrestles with the window leading into her second-story bedroom) Ack, I locked my window from the inside yesterday because of the cold weather--I can't get in! DAD? ANYBODY? HELLO...
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Author's Notes:
In case you're wondering why I didn't include Beth...well, I thought about it, but (a) I already had somebody to play the "bad girl" in the theater (Grenda) and Beth would have to be that as well, and (b) she doesn't talk a heck of a lot, she's rather taciturn. You need to be a smart-arse who really runs off at the mouth, to make a good MSTer.
I also wanted to include Gaga, but I already had one polite, subservient type character there (Cube) so...
Cube knows the most about the game because--in an odd way--he was IN it (well, an alternate-universe version of him was, anyway ;)) but of course, it really makes NO SENSE for the characters to know anything about _any_thing from outside of their own universe, in general. But hey, it's just a MST...you should really just relax. (I mean, hey, people give anime/game/fantasy book characters knowledge about our world that they really shouldn't know, when said characters are used as riffers in a MSTing, _all the time_; I'm hardly the first. This also isn't the first time I've done it, myself--I had FF7 characters quoting everything from Shakespeare to random cartoons and "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", in my FF6 MSTing...)
Ah, yes. The "F3 thing". For those of you who don't know, you can speed up--not _skip_, but majorly speed up--things in the game by hitting F3. It will let you zoom through the intro story at warp speed, make the credits part roll a bit faster, and zoom by the animations for the work or school. (You still find out what the changes to your daughter's stats were at the end of the time period, but instead of seeing them rack up/down gradually, you are just told the _total_ amount of what happened all at once.) Funny that this dude seems to have known about the "Mad Eddy's" cheat (the only way to actually get TWENTY "tit pills") but not the much simpler, more widely-known F3 thing...
DISCLAIMERS:
"Princess Maker 2" is the property of Gainax, Takami Akai, and some other people I forget.
This "Something Awful" review is the property of Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons, and he's welcome to it. I _would_ say that no offense was meant, think of this as just another form of C&C, blah blah blah...but I'm sorry, the dude is just plain _nasty_ and brought this on himself. MSTed without permission, as if I'd actually write to this guy to ask for it. What, and let him know MY e-mail address?! (shudders) Gah!
"Puchi Puri Yuushi" and all related characters are the property of Gainax, Takami Akai, and, again, some people I don't know. (I can't read the credits...they're in Japanese and the fan-subbers never translated that part.)
And last but not least, MST3K itself is the property of Best Brains, Inc.
Keep circulating the posts!